Well everyone, it's the grand post you have all been waiting for. I have been avoiding having to make this post for well over a month now. I feel that in writing this; I am closing out this chapter of my life. My heart has officially broken-and I have to muster up the strength to try to write about where I am at emotionally and mentally; and I'm really struggling with it. I know though that I should do it before I lost all of the initial emotions and strangeness that comes with moving back to the States after spending a year abroad in a third world country. I am officially back in the United States of America.
I sit hear listening to Daddy Yankee's "Lllamanda de Emergencia" and Aventura's "Lagrimas" and I realize just how much my life has changed in the past year. There were many trials and tribulations during my time in Honduras- but I sit here with a heavy and aching heart, longing to relive all of those moments with all of the people who came to mean so much to me- all of the people I learned to love with every ounce of my being. My life as I knew it in the United States feels so odd to me now. Things that I never gave a second thought to prior to my time in Honduras feel strange, and perhaps even a little bit crazy. I realize that I am forever changed- I am longing for the things that were once so foreign to me.
In ways; I've been trying to keep myself busy in order to avoid processing the fact that I have left Juticalpa. Looking at the pictures posted from a recent Peace March; I recognize many faces in the crowd. Some of them I passed on a crowded street en route or back home from the Fruteria. Some of them I sat next to during Sunday evening masses at the Cathedral. Others sat next to me on Saturday mornings while I sipped Granita's in the Esso on Saturday mornings with Bree; as we tried to find some brief relief from the extreme heat of Juticalpa. Still others I exchanged an "adios" or a smile with as I walked down the boulevard to El Negrito's for a delicious baleada. No matter how I look at it; I connected with so many people there. Some on a more personal level; others may have just been a friendly face that I took for granted on my daily walks. I just know that when I look at those pictures; I feel homesick. That's right-homesick. Juticalpa truly became a second home to me. I still can't even begin to process the fact that I up and moved thousands of miles away for an entire year; integrating myself into a culture and a language that was totally foreign to me. Somehow though; I really did it- the adventure is really over. I still can't even believe that this blog is coming to a close. A year ago; when I first arrived in Juticalpa, I had no idea how I was going to get through it. My initial worries (bugs, water issues, and other household pests) soon became second nature to me as I adapted to living the Honduran lifestyle. There were many trials and tribulations- but I did it. I wouldn't take back my experience for the world, and my heart aches to be back with the people who I've grown to love with every ounce of my being.
The readjustment period has definitely been difficult thus far. How I long to eat a morning baleada while talking about the shortcomings of men in the cafeteria with Wendy and Ena. I wish I could laugh with Brenda about Malcon's antics- and how many times he got sent to the office on any given day. I miss the sound of the "Happy People Church" on a weeknight, all of it's members singing "Open the Eyes of My Heart Lord" repeatedly for hours on end. I miss the sound of crickets chirping in my backyard and the buzzing sound of gecko's crawling up my walls. I can't believe I'm saying this- but I even miss the cold showers! There was something that was so simple about jumping in and out so fast because the water was cold. Now; I find myself taking these long, hot, luxurious showers. I think I realized that showering is simply a means of getting clean. Here; it's an extravagant experience! I miss the simplicity that is Honduras. I miss power outages; and spending hours sitting around chatting with friends. I miss Wendy teasing me about my cooking skills. I miss the sound of Donamarina's laugh as I complained about the machoism that is the typical Honduran man. I ache to turn on the radio and hear Aventura blasting. I can still listen to merengue and bachata here; but I have to download it.
*To be continued when I can collect my thoughts*
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Writer's Block....
Hey all,
Just an update to let you know I am alive and well. I have to admit that since I made the decision to leave here; I have had a bit of "Writer's Block". Maybe it is partially because writing makes me think too much and get too emotional. Maybe it is just that I am trying to soak up all the love around me and take advantage of every minute I have left here. I don't know precisely what it is...but I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts. Therefore; I hope to have more to say very soon.
As I write this I have to report I only have 6 more days with my little munchkins. Next Wednesday is the last day of school. I don't know how to emotionally prepare for it. Today though; I became misty-eyed for the first time. I asked my student's what was so special about June (expecting to hear them say "NO SCHOOL FOR 3 MONTHS!"). One little girl (Sammi) reponded with "no me gusta Junio" (I don't like June"). I asked her why and she said, "Ms. Ernest va para los Estados". They then all began saying "No te vas, Ms! No te vas!" (Don't go, Miss, don't go!") It was the first of many misty-eyed moments I know I will experience over the course of the next month. How I am going to find the courage to do this; I do not know. The day to my departure inches closer and closer. It's June. I officially leave here in 27 days. I feel like I can't even worry about my future and what I will do with everything I have learned here until I say my goodbyes. This Gringa's heart is starting to break! I'm not going to lie!!!! Please pray for me to have faith, direction, and strength as I rip myself from this place that has become a second home to me and attempt to make the decisions needed to help these people (and other's like them) in every way that I can.
In the Esso today; I heard an old song (old for me means '98 haha) by Jewel. I was struck by the message of this song in a way that I never have been before...because it reminded me a lot of the people and experiences I've had while in Honduras. The line that stuck out most to me was: "Poverty stole your golden shoes but it didn't steal your laughter." This reminded me so much of so many friends I have made along the way here. So many lack monetary riches; but the love, sense of humor, and kindness of their hearts is still there; and in many cases; in tenfold. Also the statement of being God's eyes and God's hands struck me as well. My time here has given me the opportunity to be God's eyes and hands here on earth by serving, living amongst, and growing to love the people of Juticalpa. It also reminds me of my initial orientation with Juticalpa and Olancho Aid through my first visit here in April of 2008. The theme of our visit was "Hands to Honduras". This song again reminds me that we are just one person, with one pair of hands. But our hands can build things and assist in projects that are beautiful and make a huge difference in someone's life. Another line that stuck out to me was “For light does the darkness most fear”. This seems like such a powerful statement to me. It shows a sense of faith and the confidence in God's existance and how much a small gesture of love and compassion can mean so much and go so far. The smallest light can still be seen in the dark. In other words, a small act of kindness is still appreciated during the worst of times. (All I can keep thinking about is Juan Carlos' parent's home being washed away during the flooding) In any case, enough song analysis for me! (I just realized maybe I don't have writer's block anymore...this little journalist just needed to sit down and collect her thoughts!)
If you haven't heard this song before; you should download it!!!!! Love and miss you all!!!!! Four weeks from now at this time I will be with you!!!!
Jewel: "Hands"
"If I could tell the world just one thing It would be that we're all ok And not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these I will not be made useless I won't be idled with despair I will gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken Poverty stole your golden shoes but it didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me but i knew it wasn't ever after We will fight, not out of spite for someone must stand up for what's right cause where there's a man who has no voice there ours shall go singing In the end only kindness matters In the end only kindness matters I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken My hands are small, i know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken We are never broken We are God's eyes God's hands God's mind We are God's eyes God's hands God's heart We are God's eyes God's hands God's eyes God's hands We are God's hands God's hands We are God's hands "
Just an update to let you know I am alive and well. I have to admit that since I made the decision to leave here; I have had a bit of "Writer's Block". Maybe it is partially because writing makes me think too much and get too emotional. Maybe it is just that I am trying to soak up all the love around me and take advantage of every minute I have left here. I don't know precisely what it is...but I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts. Therefore; I hope to have more to say very soon.
As I write this I have to report I only have 6 more days with my little munchkins. Next Wednesday is the last day of school. I don't know how to emotionally prepare for it. Today though; I became misty-eyed for the first time. I asked my student's what was so special about June (expecting to hear them say "NO SCHOOL FOR 3 MONTHS!"). One little girl (Sammi) reponded with "no me gusta Junio" (I don't like June"). I asked her why and she said, "Ms. Ernest va para los Estados". They then all began saying "No te vas, Ms! No te vas!" (Don't go, Miss, don't go!") It was the first of many misty-eyed moments I know I will experience over the course of the next month. How I am going to find the courage to do this; I do not know. The day to my departure inches closer and closer. It's June. I officially leave here in 27 days. I feel like I can't even worry about my future and what I will do with everything I have learned here until I say my goodbyes. This Gringa's heart is starting to break! I'm not going to lie!!!! Please pray for me to have faith, direction, and strength as I rip myself from this place that has become a second home to me and attempt to make the decisions needed to help these people (and other's like them) in every way that I can.
In the Esso today; I heard an old song (old for me means '98 haha) by Jewel. I was struck by the message of this song in a way that I never have been before...because it reminded me a lot of the people and experiences I've had while in Honduras. The line that stuck out most to me was: "Poverty stole your golden shoes but it didn't steal your laughter." This reminded me so much of so many friends I have made along the way here. So many lack monetary riches; but the love, sense of humor, and kindness of their hearts is still there; and in many cases; in tenfold. Also the statement of being God's eyes and God's hands struck me as well. My time here has given me the opportunity to be God's eyes and hands here on earth by serving, living amongst, and growing to love the people of Juticalpa. It also reminds me of my initial orientation with Juticalpa and Olancho Aid through my first visit here in April of 2008. The theme of our visit was "Hands to Honduras". This song again reminds me that we are just one person, with one pair of hands. But our hands can build things and assist in projects that are beautiful and make a huge difference in someone's life. Another line that stuck out to me was “For light does the darkness most fear”. This seems like such a powerful statement to me. It shows a sense of faith and the confidence in God's existance and how much a small gesture of love and compassion can mean so much and go so far. The smallest light can still be seen in the dark. In other words, a small act of kindness is still appreciated during the worst of times. (All I can keep thinking about is Juan Carlos' parent's home being washed away during the flooding) In any case, enough song analysis for me! (I just realized maybe I don't have writer's block anymore...this little journalist just needed to sit down and collect her thoughts!)
If you haven't heard this song before; you should download it!!!!! Love and miss you all!!!!! Four weeks from now at this time I will be with you!!!!
Jewel: "Hands"
"If I could tell the world just one thing It would be that we're all ok And not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these I will not be made useless I won't be idled with despair I will gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken Poverty stole your golden shoes but it didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me but i knew it wasn't ever after We will fight, not out of spite for someone must stand up for what's right cause where there's a man who has no voice there ours shall go singing In the end only kindness matters In the end only kindness matters I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray I will get down on my knees and I will pray My hands are small, I know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken My hands are small, i know, but they're not yours they are my own but they're not yours they are my own and I am never broken We are never broken We are God's eyes God's hands God's mind We are God's eyes God's hands God's heart We are God's eyes God's hands God's eyes God's hands We are God's hands God's hands We are God's hands "
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wondering who all my followers are....
Well, I have to unfortunately announce that I had another bout of Montezuma's Revenge this past weekend. I spent much of the day on Saturday and Sunday curled up in bed with some of the worst stomach pains I have ever experienced in my 28 years of life. Add the fact that we didn't have electricity or running water for most of the weekend, and I found myself feeling like I was in hell. I actually at one point thought I was going to die if I didn't go to the hospital. Luckily, the pains subsided. I took an extra day off yesterday to rest (unfortunately, because I only have 3 weeks of school left..but teaching while sick is NOT fun in the heat; let me tell you!) In any case, I pick myself up and move forward, ready to experience all that I can in my last month here in Honduras!
In light of my recent bout of sickness, I started thinking about health care here and the reality of just how difficult things are for people here when they DO get sick. I look at the world I am living in and the fact that access to healthcare is pretty low in these rural areas. Those who DO have access to it aren't receiving the best care. One needs to go into Tegucigalpa to see any type of specialist. Being sick without running water and power is not fun. I speak from experience. Again; another opportunity for me to sit back and realize just how lucky I am. If I had a bout of the flu in the States; I'd be tucked under the blankets in my nice warm house taking nice hot showers if it were Winter. If it were Summer, I'd have central air. No wonder it takes people here so much longer to fend off illnesses when they have them! I have no idea how I caught whatever I caught (be it the food, or something else) but bathrooms here never have soap. It's no wonder germs spread like they do. In any case, I'm feeling luckier than ever that I have the access to the healthcare that I do. In light of all that happened this weekend; I'm realizing another possible career path for me might be Public Health. It could still be in an educationally based field. Perhaps educating people in poorer areas (both in and out of the country) on proper nutrition, proper hygiene, etc, etc. There are so many different paths that I could take! The possibilities are endless!
In any case; I've been getting kind of curious as to who has been reading my blog. I've been getting all of these invites from people saying they are "followers " of my blog...half of them I don't even know when I look at their profiles! I am so glad that my stories are touching so many people's lives. I'm glad I'm able to share this beautiful gift I have been granted with so many. I know that this blogger thing is difficult to figure out at times; so if you are someone who has been following my blog but has not been commenting, could you PLEASE email me at my regular email address at chesneyfan1@gmail.com? I just want to know who has been following my adventures so I can communicate with you a bit more on a more personal level. It would be great to know if there are people out there whom I've never even met before who have been following along. I promise if you email me, I will email you back!
Well folks; time to go attempt to make baleadas for a dinner we are having tonight. This should be fairly interesting! I've finally gotten some Honduran recipes down pat! Let's hope I can remember some of them and find all the right ingredients to grace all of you with Honduran cuisine upon my return. :-)
P.S Linda, I just got your email. Don't worry. I won't miss the Open House on the 18th of July. I KNOW you held off on having it JUST for me! :-)
In light of my recent bout of sickness, I started thinking about health care here and the reality of just how difficult things are for people here when they DO get sick. I look at the world I am living in and the fact that access to healthcare is pretty low in these rural areas. Those who DO have access to it aren't receiving the best care. One needs to go into Tegucigalpa to see any type of specialist. Being sick without running water and power is not fun. I speak from experience. Again; another opportunity for me to sit back and realize just how lucky I am. If I had a bout of the flu in the States; I'd be tucked under the blankets in my nice warm house taking nice hot showers if it were Winter. If it were Summer, I'd have central air. No wonder it takes people here so much longer to fend off illnesses when they have them! I have no idea how I caught whatever I caught (be it the food, or something else) but bathrooms here never have soap. It's no wonder germs spread like they do. In any case, I'm feeling luckier than ever that I have the access to the healthcare that I do. In light of all that happened this weekend; I'm realizing another possible career path for me might be Public Health. It could still be in an educationally based field. Perhaps educating people in poorer areas (both in and out of the country) on proper nutrition, proper hygiene, etc, etc. There are so many different paths that I could take! The possibilities are endless!
In any case; I've been getting kind of curious as to who has been reading my blog. I've been getting all of these invites from people saying they are "followers " of my blog...half of them I don't even know when I look at their profiles! I am so glad that my stories are touching so many people's lives. I'm glad I'm able to share this beautiful gift I have been granted with so many. I know that this blogger thing is difficult to figure out at times; so if you are someone who has been following my blog but has not been commenting, could you PLEASE email me at my regular email address at chesneyfan1@gmail.com? I just want to know who has been following my adventures so I can communicate with you a bit more on a more personal level. It would be great to know if there are people out there whom I've never even met before who have been following along. I promise if you email me, I will email you back!
Well folks; time to go attempt to make baleadas for a dinner we are having tonight. This should be fairly interesting! I've finally gotten some Honduran recipes down pat! Let's hope I can remember some of them and find all the right ingredients to grace all of you with Honduran cuisine upon my return. :-)
P.S Linda, I just got your email. Don't worry. I won't miss the Open House on the 18th of July. I KNOW you held off on having it JUST for me! :-)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Roots
I sit here tonight feeling rather nostalgic. I just enjoyed a lovely anafre (bean dip) and a Salva Vida (the local brew) with Keri at La Fonda (a Juticalpa favorite, despite the fact that they are skimpy on the napkins and the service is a bit slow). I sit here listening to the local Evangelical church singing "Open The Eyes of My Heart" repeatedly in Spanish. The smell of baleadas is permeating throughout my humble home here in La Colonia thanks to my neighbor's next door; who cook delicious Honduran cuisine nightly. I hear my neighbors outside playing basketball with their children, and the neighborhood dog; Licha; is barking and playing right outside my front window. I realize; that this has become my life. My home. Soon; i'll be leaving. I cannot believe that 7 weeks from now I'll be sitting in my parent's in Rockland. It will be Summer. I will hear children outside riding bicycles; laughing. I am a person who is big on soaking up the scenery, sights and smells around me and painting a permanent picture in my mind of the time and the place that I am in. Maybe that is because I was born to be a writer. I don't know why. But right now; I am simply soaking up the love, beauty, sights, and sounds around me. I know that right now; I am experiencing a gift and a type of peace that I will undoubtedly never experience again.
I've been giving a great deal of thinking as to what leaving will be like. When I think about it; I feel like someone has thrown a wrench around my heart; squeezing the life out of it. My fondness and adoration for my friends and family here is indescribible. DonaMarina, Wendy, my students; even the coffeemakers at the Esso have become like members of extended family. When I set out on my journey here 10 months ago; it seemed like a daunting task. Now as as my final 6 weeks here await me; I cannot believe that it is almost over. I feel as though all of the things I am about to experience in the next month are surreal. I feel as though the next 6 weeks will be 6 of the hardest of my life.
It is going to be painful. I think about leaving the people who have come to mean so much to me. I wonder to myself "how will I ever board that plane on June 28th". I think the solution is heartbreaking; but simple. I must simply get up and go. When I came here in August; I was simply a seed that was planted; who slowly bloomed throughout my experiences. Now; it is time that I rip myself from the ground. I must take all of my experience that were rooted here and share them with everyone in the world that will listen. The people of Juticalpa have watered and fed my soul. I have so much to offer to this world as I move forward in life. I owe a huge part of who I am and what is important to me to these people. They are my heart. They have my heart. I know that as painful as it is for me to leave these beautiful people. this relaxed life; this amazing experience; that there is so much more that I can do for these people from the American homefront. This fact breaks my heart; because communication from the States to Honduras is going to be difficult. Half of my new friends do not know how to read or write. There is no formal mail system. How can I possibly correspond through email when half of them don't even have electricity? These questions tug at my heart on a daily basis. Still; I must go. I know that it is time. I just hope that people will be willing to listen...and I hope that my heart will be able to heal from having to leave the most amazing people and experience in my entire life. I hope that I will be able to find the same type of fulfillment as I move forward.....honestly; I worry. To say I sleep soundly at night right now would be a lie. I pray for the strength to move forward, and to follow whatever plan God has set out for me. I truly in my heart believe He put me here in Juticalpa for a reason. I just wish that leaving didn't have to be so painful.....and I wonder if I will be able to "go light my world" from this point. Where do I even start?
I've been giving a great deal of thinking as to what leaving will be like. When I think about it; I feel like someone has thrown a wrench around my heart; squeezing the life out of it. My fondness and adoration for my friends and family here is indescribible. DonaMarina, Wendy, my students; even the coffeemakers at the Esso have become like members of extended family. When I set out on my journey here 10 months ago; it seemed like a daunting task. Now as as my final 6 weeks here await me; I cannot believe that it is almost over. I feel as though all of the things I am about to experience in the next month are surreal. I feel as though the next 6 weeks will be 6 of the hardest of my life.
It is going to be painful. I think about leaving the people who have come to mean so much to me. I wonder to myself "how will I ever board that plane on June 28th". I think the solution is heartbreaking; but simple. I must simply get up and go. When I came here in August; I was simply a seed that was planted; who slowly bloomed throughout my experiences. Now; it is time that I rip myself from the ground. I must take all of my experience that were rooted here and share them with everyone in the world that will listen. The people of Juticalpa have watered and fed my soul. I have so much to offer to this world as I move forward in life. I owe a huge part of who I am and what is important to me to these people. They are my heart. They have my heart. I know that as painful as it is for me to leave these beautiful people. this relaxed life; this amazing experience; that there is so much more that I can do for these people from the American homefront. This fact breaks my heart; because communication from the States to Honduras is going to be difficult. Half of my new friends do not know how to read or write. There is no formal mail system. How can I possibly correspond through email when half of them don't even have electricity? These questions tug at my heart on a daily basis. Still; I must go. I know that it is time. I just hope that people will be willing to listen...and I hope that my heart will be able to heal from having to leave the most amazing people and experience in my entire life. I hope that I will be able to find the same type of fulfillment as I move forward.....honestly; I worry. To say I sleep soundly at night right now would be a lie. I pray for the strength to move forward, and to follow whatever plan God has set out for me. I truly in my heart believe He put me here in Juticalpa for a reason. I just wish that leaving didn't have to be so painful.....and I wonder if I will be able to "go light my world" from this point. Where do I even start?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Most Difficult Decision Of My Life....
The entry I am about to post right now will be by far the most difficult one I have ever posted during my time here. As I am writing this; tears are streaming down my face. I think I am feeling my heart crumbling into a million tiny pieces. That is because I have realized that I am truly in love for the first time in my life. I am in love with the people of Juticalpa. I am especially in love with my first graders, who have challenged me in ways that I've never been challenged in my life. I am in love with my friends here; who I have allowed to accept me, and welcome me into their families and their homes. Along with love I believe; always comes some level of heartbreak. That is what I am experiencing right now; I believe.
*deep breath*
I have made the decision that seven weeks from today, I will be leaving Juticalpa, Santa Clara, and this great adventure behind. It would be so easy to stay. There are many days where the idea of never leaving passes through my head. But then I realize, that this was a once in a lifetime experience; one I will never have again in my life. It has to end. After talking to my friends both here and at home and spending hours upon hours reflecting upon my future, career goals, and money situations; I realize that it is time to go. I know I will be back to visit as frequently as I can; but other things tear at my heartstrings right now. I miss my family and my friends. I have been a selfish person in the past at times; not always considering them and only thinking of myself when I made decisions. Now; I realize that other people are affected by the things that I do. When I leave here; I will miss the people who have become my family and friends here. I knew that no matter what I decided to do it was going to be difficult. I know that my last days in Juticalpa are going to be by far the most difficult days of my life. I also know that I can't stay forever. Eventually; that day is going to have to come.
I have spent long hours and days toying with the idea of staying and the idea of going. Oh, how easy it would be if I didn't have to make this decision! But at 28 years old; I finally feel like I know what I want to do with my career/life, and it is time for me to focus on those goals. I have decided that I want to work in fundraising and grant writing for a non-profit organization. Preferably one like Olancho Aid that betters the lives of the impoverished. I want to spread the word about this organization to everyone who will listen. I can only do so much from here. I am going to make it my mission to spread the word about Juticalpa to every person who wants to hear about my great adventure. I have also decided that I am going to try to get some of my writings from this blog (and my personal journals) published in some type of magazine, newsletter, or book form. Just because I am leaving; doesn't mean my work for Olancho Aid is going to end. I don't think that it ever will. My career will continue forward when I return home. I finally have the direction that I needed. This experience has given me that direction.
In seven weeks, I will board a plane back to Boston with an entire year's worth the belongings in tow in only two suitcases. I will say days of long, teary goodbyes. I will board the plane in Tegucialpa and return back to Boston to the life that I lived for 27 years before I came out here. Only I don't think I ever really will return to the life that I led before I came out here. I depart this experience as a changed woman. The girl who boarded that plane in August, clueless about the harsh realities of the world will return to the States with a heart on fire with passion for the people whom I will hold close to my heart for the rest of my life. I will make it my mission to do everything that I can for the impoverished and less fortunate in our world.
Sometimes I joke that I have aged about 10 years in my time here mostly in part to tons of dust in my lungs and warm sun upon my skin. All kidding aside though; I feel like I have matured a great deal in this past year. I have seen and learned things here that many people twice my age could never understand. I have watched children play outside naked, because their families cannot afford to put clothes on their bodies. I have seen seven year olds selling bags of water in the park to pay for their families to eat a small serving of rice for dinner. I have seen people literally dying on city buses; with little more than faith in God and the prayer for a miracle that someone will help them to try to save their lives. I have seen people's homes washed away in the floods here; leaving them with literally nothing left in their possession. I have seen families ripped apart; children who have never known their Mommy's or Daddy's because they are in the States trying to earn a living so their children can go to school. I emerge from this experience with a new understanding of how most of our world lives. I emerge with a greater appreciation for all that I have. Most importantly; I emerge with an appreciation for the people I have met here. I am so grateful to have had the experience of sharing a life here with people who have shown me more love than I have ever known in my life. I think at one point in my early days here; I talked a lot about coming here to help these people, to educate these children, to give them the tools they need to help their country and their society. It is at this point now that I truly realize that they are the ones who have helped me. They have shown me unconditional love, unbelievable faith in God and the general good in humanity, and a career path for my life.
For the next seven weeks, I look forward to taking in all of the beauty and love surrounding me. I will eat as many meals in Wendy's cafeteria that I can. I will go to the cathedral with Wendy and her family for Sunday masses. I will "platicar" over coffee with Donamarina and Donaveronica every morning. Kenia will obtain a new wardrobe of my clothes. I will travel up to the north coast with my students and their family's and take in the serenity and beauty of the ocean. I might even try to smile instead of grumble choice words under my breath when a not so polite man whistles at me and yells "Mamacita! AYI YI YI!" as I walk down the street. I will savor the smells, and sights and sounds of this city that has become; and always will be my second home.
It's lesson time planning for this Mamacita. Ayi yi yi! So much work to be done, and only 3 more weeks of school left!! Wish me luck!!! Looking forward to seeing all of you in June!!!!
*deep breath*
I have made the decision that seven weeks from today, I will be leaving Juticalpa, Santa Clara, and this great adventure behind. It would be so easy to stay. There are many days where the idea of never leaving passes through my head. But then I realize, that this was a once in a lifetime experience; one I will never have again in my life. It has to end. After talking to my friends both here and at home and spending hours upon hours reflecting upon my future, career goals, and money situations; I realize that it is time to go. I know I will be back to visit as frequently as I can; but other things tear at my heartstrings right now. I miss my family and my friends. I have been a selfish person in the past at times; not always considering them and only thinking of myself when I made decisions. Now; I realize that other people are affected by the things that I do. When I leave here; I will miss the people who have become my family and friends here. I knew that no matter what I decided to do it was going to be difficult. I know that my last days in Juticalpa are going to be by far the most difficult days of my life. I also know that I can't stay forever. Eventually; that day is going to have to come.
I have spent long hours and days toying with the idea of staying and the idea of going. Oh, how easy it would be if I didn't have to make this decision! But at 28 years old; I finally feel like I know what I want to do with my career/life, and it is time for me to focus on those goals. I have decided that I want to work in fundraising and grant writing for a non-profit organization. Preferably one like Olancho Aid that betters the lives of the impoverished. I want to spread the word about this organization to everyone who will listen. I can only do so much from here. I am going to make it my mission to spread the word about Juticalpa to every person who wants to hear about my great adventure. I have also decided that I am going to try to get some of my writings from this blog (and my personal journals) published in some type of magazine, newsletter, or book form. Just because I am leaving; doesn't mean my work for Olancho Aid is going to end. I don't think that it ever will. My career will continue forward when I return home. I finally have the direction that I needed. This experience has given me that direction.
In seven weeks, I will board a plane back to Boston with an entire year's worth the belongings in tow in only two suitcases. I will say days of long, teary goodbyes. I will board the plane in Tegucialpa and return back to Boston to the life that I lived for 27 years before I came out here. Only I don't think I ever really will return to the life that I led before I came out here. I depart this experience as a changed woman. The girl who boarded that plane in August, clueless about the harsh realities of the world will return to the States with a heart on fire with passion for the people whom I will hold close to my heart for the rest of my life. I will make it my mission to do everything that I can for the impoverished and less fortunate in our world.
Sometimes I joke that I have aged about 10 years in my time here mostly in part to tons of dust in my lungs and warm sun upon my skin. All kidding aside though; I feel like I have matured a great deal in this past year. I have seen and learned things here that many people twice my age could never understand. I have watched children play outside naked, because their families cannot afford to put clothes on their bodies. I have seen seven year olds selling bags of water in the park to pay for their families to eat a small serving of rice for dinner. I have seen people literally dying on city buses; with little more than faith in God and the prayer for a miracle that someone will help them to try to save their lives. I have seen people's homes washed away in the floods here; leaving them with literally nothing left in their possession. I have seen families ripped apart; children who have never known their Mommy's or Daddy's because they are in the States trying to earn a living so their children can go to school. I emerge from this experience with a new understanding of how most of our world lives. I emerge with a greater appreciation for all that I have. Most importantly; I emerge with an appreciation for the people I have met here. I am so grateful to have had the experience of sharing a life here with people who have shown me more love than I have ever known in my life. I think at one point in my early days here; I talked a lot about coming here to help these people, to educate these children, to give them the tools they need to help their country and their society. It is at this point now that I truly realize that they are the ones who have helped me. They have shown me unconditional love, unbelievable faith in God and the general good in humanity, and a career path for my life.
For the next seven weeks, I look forward to taking in all of the beauty and love surrounding me. I will eat as many meals in Wendy's cafeteria that I can. I will go to the cathedral with Wendy and her family for Sunday masses. I will "platicar" over coffee with Donamarina and Donaveronica every morning. Kenia will obtain a new wardrobe of my clothes. I will travel up to the north coast with my students and their family's and take in the serenity and beauty of the ocean. I might even try to smile instead of grumble choice words under my breath when a not so polite man whistles at me and yells "Mamacita! AYI YI YI!" as I walk down the street. I will savor the smells, and sights and sounds of this city that has become; and always will be my second home.
It's lesson time planning for this Mamacita. Ayi yi yi! So much work to be done, and only 3 more weeks of school left!! Wish me luck!!! Looking forward to seeing all of you in June!!!!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
It's Been So Long....
I just realized that it has been an entire month now since I updated my blog. Honestly; life has been so busy that this is the first time I've had to sit down and actually collect my thoughts on the events of the past month and let you all know how things have been going.
April was by far the craziest month that I've had down here and definitely the fastest. I spend a lovely 10 days back in Boston visiting with friends and family, then the group from Holy Family came down here for 10 days when I returned. It was fantastic to spend time with all of them, and super emotional and important to me for them to see the relationships I've developed with people and the friends that I have made during my time here. I hope that my parents in particular were able to really enjoy this experience. In particular, meeting DonaMarina and Wendy, two of the best friends that I've made here. (To the H.F group..I've distributed all of the things that you left here to the people I know need them most and everyone is eternally grateful. It's nice to be walking down the streets of Juticalpa and to see someone pass by wearing a Rockland soccer shirt!)
In any case, having my friends and family here with me was an interesting experience for me. During my time here; I haven't had much of an opportunity to pass time with one of the church groups because I was always so busy with work and spending time with my friends here, etc, etc. It was funny for me to be reminded of things that are comical here to the typical North American; because so many of these things are just "normal" to me now. Yes; it is comical to get stuck in "traffic" (and have traffic be a herd of cattle walking down the main road). Men holding guns outside the supermercado IS a little intimidating. Rice and beans and tortillas 7 days a week DOES get old. It IS pretty funny when the chicken restaurant in town doesn't have chicken! It was amusing to me to see people's reactions to the things that I just find so mainstream now. I guess I am becoming a tad bit more Honduran even though I am not fully concious of it!
From another standpoint, I feel as though I have developed a different understanding of life here and the culture. Things that didn't bother me last year when I came down with the group deeply bother me now. I have to admit that I cringed a little when a few people were snapping photos of houses made of stick and children clothed in rags. At a couple of points, I felt guilty feeling like we were on a "white people's grand tour of the poverty that is Honduras". I guess during my time here I have developed more of a compassion for these people. Although they are very poor; they are still human beings with the same feelings as the rest of us. I know that no one meant anything to be offensive during our visits here. A year ago I was in the same time and place. I truly think that it is only something that one can understand after passing a long amount of time here. At this time and place, I truly feel as though I am straddling two cultures...the one I left behind nine months ago, and the one I have been living on a day to day basis since August. It is a very odd feeling, and at times I feel pretty misunderstood and it is difficult to process things and try to get people to understand how I am feeling about things. In any case, it was great to spend time with people who mean so much to me and even more rewarding for them to see the love I have developed for these people here. In the end, I took the bus to Tegus with Victor, Carlos, and Juan Carlos to bring them all to the airport and I definitely had a teary goodbye. I've been homesick since, and this is the first time I've felt this way since my arrival in August. Again; I think that is because I am truly adjusted to my life here and it's surprising to me how well I've adjusted.
This weekend was especially eventful , because it was a reminder of just how different our culture is in the States. I went with Wendy to her family's campo off in a remote village about 45 minutes from here to help prepare for; then celebrate her little sister's 15th birthday. Let me tell you, it was quite an event. Have you ever seen "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV? Well, picture that program and you will have an idea of what yesterday's fiesta was like. Her sister wore a long white wedding type dress and had 6 "Honor Maids" clothed in ridiculously fancy hot pink dresses. There was a church procession with a grand march, and a crowing ceremony. The whole thing was very interesting to me to say the least. When I tell you it was similar to and as big of an event as a wedding, I'm not exaggerating! I thoroughly enjoyed myself though; and it was great to meet all of Wendy's family and to celebrate with them. They were all so welcoming and so excited to have me there. I love spending time there as it is normally so peaceful, but this weekend was a different story. There was a lot to do! I had fun making tortillas by candlelight until 12a.m for the 50 or so party guests the next day (they don't have electricity out there). Wendy's whole family were in love with my headlamp; which we used to meticulously decorate the church for the mass the night before in the pitch black. Sleeping in a bed with 3 or 4 other people was also quite the experience for me. Here; 12 people will live in a 2 bedroom house with 3 mattresses. I also witnessed the slaughtering of the family pig for the fiesta. During our arrival on Friday; I was introduced to the cow and asked if I liked her. When I said I did; they said "We hope she tastes good!" 3 hours later, I was helping them cook literally pounds and pounds of meat for the party. Luis Carlos; Wendy's son, took some pictures. I won't post them here because I have to admit, that my stomach still hasn't stopped turning since I witnessed the slaughtering. The thought of becoming a vegeterian has passed through my mind in the past 48 hours to say the least. Poor Bessie! In any case, visiting the Campo was a great time. Wendy's family is amazing and they are so hospitable...BUT it made me realize just how relative things are. Driving back into Juticalpa and seeing civilization last night was a great feeling; even though there are many times where I feel like we live in the middle of nowhere. I have to admit; I don't think I could live on a Campo. What a reminder though of how lucky we are here even in Juticalpa. Electricity is a beautiful thing! As is the Esso station and the Dispensa with (gasp) a variety of different foods! I think that I want to spend some more time on the Campo; because it is a true Honduran experience!
April was by far the craziest month that I've had down here and definitely the fastest. I spend a lovely 10 days back in Boston visiting with friends and family, then the group from Holy Family came down here for 10 days when I returned. It was fantastic to spend time with all of them, and super emotional and important to me for them to see the relationships I've developed with people and the friends that I have made during my time here. I hope that my parents in particular were able to really enjoy this experience. In particular, meeting DonaMarina and Wendy, two of the best friends that I've made here. (To the H.F group..I've distributed all of the things that you left here to the people I know need them most and everyone is eternally grateful. It's nice to be walking down the streets of Juticalpa and to see someone pass by wearing a Rockland soccer shirt!)
In any case, having my friends and family here with me was an interesting experience for me. During my time here; I haven't had much of an opportunity to pass time with one of the church groups because I was always so busy with work and spending time with my friends here, etc, etc. It was funny for me to be reminded of things that are comical here to the typical North American; because so many of these things are just "normal" to me now. Yes; it is comical to get stuck in "traffic" (and have traffic be a herd of cattle walking down the main road). Men holding guns outside the supermercado IS a little intimidating. Rice and beans and tortillas 7 days a week DOES get old. It IS pretty funny when the chicken restaurant in town doesn't have chicken! It was amusing to me to see people's reactions to the things that I just find so mainstream now. I guess I am becoming a tad bit more Honduran even though I am not fully concious of it!
From another standpoint, I feel as though I have developed a different understanding of life here and the culture. Things that didn't bother me last year when I came down with the group deeply bother me now. I have to admit that I cringed a little when a few people were snapping photos of houses made of stick and children clothed in rags. At a couple of points, I felt guilty feeling like we were on a "white people's grand tour of the poverty that is Honduras". I guess during my time here I have developed more of a compassion for these people. Although they are very poor; they are still human beings with the same feelings as the rest of us. I know that no one meant anything to be offensive during our visits here. A year ago I was in the same time and place. I truly think that it is only something that one can understand after passing a long amount of time here. At this time and place, I truly feel as though I am straddling two cultures...the one I left behind nine months ago, and the one I have been living on a day to day basis since August. It is a very odd feeling, and at times I feel pretty misunderstood and it is difficult to process things and try to get people to understand how I am feeling about things. In any case, it was great to spend time with people who mean so much to me and even more rewarding for them to see the love I have developed for these people here. In the end, I took the bus to Tegus with Victor, Carlos, and Juan Carlos to bring them all to the airport and I definitely had a teary goodbye. I've been homesick since, and this is the first time I've felt this way since my arrival in August. Again; I think that is because I am truly adjusted to my life here and it's surprising to me how well I've adjusted.
This weekend was especially eventful , because it was a reminder of just how different our culture is in the States. I went with Wendy to her family's campo off in a remote village about 45 minutes from here to help prepare for; then celebrate her little sister's 15th birthday. Let me tell you, it was quite an event. Have you ever seen "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV? Well, picture that program and you will have an idea of what yesterday's fiesta was like. Her sister wore a long white wedding type dress and had 6 "Honor Maids" clothed in ridiculously fancy hot pink dresses. There was a church procession with a grand march, and a crowing ceremony. The whole thing was very interesting to me to say the least. When I tell you it was similar to and as big of an event as a wedding, I'm not exaggerating! I thoroughly enjoyed myself though; and it was great to meet all of Wendy's family and to celebrate with them. They were all so welcoming and so excited to have me there. I love spending time there as it is normally so peaceful, but this weekend was a different story. There was a lot to do! I had fun making tortillas by candlelight until 12a.m for the 50 or so party guests the next day (they don't have electricity out there). Wendy's whole family were in love with my headlamp; which we used to meticulously decorate the church for the mass the night before in the pitch black. Sleeping in a bed with 3 or 4 other people was also quite the experience for me. Here; 12 people will live in a 2 bedroom house with 3 mattresses. I also witnessed the slaughtering of the family pig for the fiesta. During our arrival on Friday; I was introduced to the cow and asked if I liked her. When I said I did; they said "We hope she tastes good!" 3 hours later, I was helping them cook literally pounds and pounds of meat for the party. Luis Carlos; Wendy's son, took some pictures. I won't post them here because I have to admit, that my stomach still hasn't stopped turning since I witnessed the slaughtering. The thought of becoming a vegeterian has passed through my mind in the past 48 hours to say the least. Poor Bessie! In any case, visiting the Campo was a great time. Wendy's family is amazing and they are so hospitable...BUT it made me realize just how relative things are. Driving back into Juticalpa and seeing civilization last night was a great feeling; even though there are many times where I feel like we live in the middle of nowhere. I have to admit; I don't think I could live on a Campo. What a reminder though of how lucky we are here even in Juticalpa. Electricity is a beautiful thing! As is the Esso station and the Dispensa with (gasp) a variety of different foods! I think that I want to spend some more time on the Campo; because it is a true Honduran experience!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Acts of Kindness
So often in my blogging on here, I have voiced frustration with my students and their behavior, effort in the classroom, or the administration here not taking enough control over situations happening within the school. A lot of my frustration comes with the act of trying to adjust to a totally different culture; one that is MUCH slower paced than what I am used to. One where important decisions and work are not completed until hours before they need to be. One where people more or less just "roll with the punches" and whatever is meant to be will be.
Sometimes I feel as though I am so filled with frustration here that I forget to really stop and blog about the great things that I see happening in my classroom. The fact of the matter is this: my students are high maintenance. Everyday is a struggle to keep them in line. Here; playing soccer in the classroom when the teacher turns her back for 2 seconds is normal. As is having a wrestling match in the hallways during recess. Such is life in a Honduran school!
Although the discipline problems here would make even the most experienced teacher in North America cringe, there is a sense of compassion and caring for one another that the students have here that I have never seen in any classroom in the States. Nor do I remember this type of compassion in my own classrooms growing up. Here; all the kids seem to play in one big group, and they hardly ever seem to exclude anybody. Even the fifth and sixth graders all play together. There are no "cliques" or "popular groups" here. Everyone kind of looks out for one another. Okay, there are kids who will be kids, but when someone turns their back on another, someone else will stick up for her.
Remember Sandra that I blogged about a month or so ago? Today I witnessed the ultimate act of compassion and love happen between her and another student on the playground. I have another little girl in my class named Clara Maria. Clara Maria lives in the orphanage, and is fortunate enough to be a scholarship recipient here at Santa Clara. In any case, she also has a cleft palate, making evaluating her in a second language class VERY difficult. In any case, another little girl was teasing her on the playground saying that she had no parents and no family and friends and that no one cared about her. I saw the other kids looking horrified, rather than joining in. Then, Sandra stood up and put her arm around Clara and gave the teaser a piece of her mind. She said that Clara was her sister and she lived in her house with her and her mother. This was news to me! I called Sandra over and asked her if it was true, and she immediately got upset and apologized, thinking that I was upset with her for lying. She looked at me and said that it wasn't true, but that she didn't like to see "Clara's heart get hurt" (in English). I think this lesson from the playground today was universal. We can all learn a thing or two about life and the way we should treat other's through the actions of small children. Sandra's act of compassion and love actually brought tears to my eyes. (Although I think the fact that Susan and Bree left this morning did not help...what an EMOTIONAL day! I seem to have a lot of those here!)
72 hours from now I will be en route to Boston. Can't wait to see you all. More importantly though; can't wait to bring some of you back to my new home. I will always consider Juticalpa "mi segundo hogar". They say home is where the heart is. How will I ever divide my heart between two homes? The thought of leaving is breaking this heart of mine, that is for sure!
Sometimes I feel as though I am so filled with frustration here that I forget to really stop and blog about the great things that I see happening in my classroom. The fact of the matter is this: my students are high maintenance. Everyday is a struggle to keep them in line. Here; playing soccer in the classroom when the teacher turns her back for 2 seconds is normal. As is having a wrestling match in the hallways during recess. Such is life in a Honduran school!
Although the discipline problems here would make even the most experienced teacher in North America cringe, there is a sense of compassion and caring for one another that the students have here that I have never seen in any classroom in the States. Nor do I remember this type of compassion in my own classrooms growing up. Here; all the kids seem to play in one big group, and they hardly ever seem to exclude anybody. Even the fifth and sixth graders all play together. There are no "cliques" or "popular groups" here. Everyone kind of looks out for one another. Okay, there are kids who will be kids, but when someone turns their back on another, someone else will stick up for her.
Remember Sandra that I blogged about a month or so ago? Today I witnessed the ultimate act of compassion and love happen between her and another student on the playground. I have another little girl in my class named Clara Maria. Clara Maria lives in the orphanage, and is fortunate enough to be a scholarship recipient here at Santa Clara. In any case, she also has a cleft palate, making evaluating her in a second language class VERY difficult. In any case, another little girl was teasing her on the playground saying that she had no parents and no family and friends and that no one cared about her. I saw the other kids looking horrified, rather than joining in. Then, Sandra stood up and put her arm around Clara and gave the teaser a piece of her mind. She said that Clara was her sister and she lived in her house with her and her mother. This was news to me! I called Sandra over and asked her if it was true, and she immediately got upset and apologized, thinking that I was upset with her for lying. She looked at me and said that it wasn't true, but that she didn't like to see "Clara's heart get hurt" (in English). I think this lesson from the playground today was universal. We can all learn a thing or two about life and the way we should treat other's through the actions of small children. Sandra's act of compassion and love actually brought tears to my eyes. (Although I think the fact that Susan and Bree left this morning did not help...what an EMOTIONAL day! I seem to have a lot of those here!)
72 hours from now I will be en route to Boston. Can't wait to see you all. More importantly though; can't wait to bring some of you back to my new home. I will always consider Juticalpa "mi segundo hogar". They say home is where the heart is. How will I ever divide my heart between two homes? The thought of leaving is breaking this heart of mine, that is for sure!
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