Random thoughts and worries...

Typically, I like to keep this blog as a means to update all of you at home on the things I have been doing here. I like to share stories about people, places, and events that have touched my heart because I know many of these same things have touched yours at one point or another. For some reason though; I am at a point in my journey here where I feel as though I need to take a deeper look at this experience and the place I am at in my life right now because of it. I guess I am sharing some of my current feelings and reactions on a more personal level than I ever have in my blog but for some reason I feel the need to do so.

Prior to my coming here, I just wasn't happy with my life in any aspect. I felt as though many of my relationships with people were strained, I was working a dead end job, and my faith in the good of humanity had all but disappeared. That is why I made the decision to come down here and spend a year trying to help better an organization and a group of people that myself and many people in my life who I consider important felt an attachment too. I believe that maybe by coming down here, I would find something that was missing in my life and gain some sense of direction on where I wanted to go from here both with my career and my personal life. I have to say that at times I feel very bipolar here- a rollercoaster of emotions to be exact. There are days where I will be laughing one moment, and break down into tears at the next. However. although this has definitely been the most difficult 6 months of my life it has also been the most fulfilling. I have learned things about myself that never would have been revealed to me had I not come here. I have found things about myself that I don't like and have resolved to change them. I have learned that I have talents that I never knew that I had before. I have figured out both my greatest strengths, and my greatest weaknesses as well. Coming here has stripped me down to my core and made me realize exactly who I am. Some of it is difficult to see, but sometimes you have to realize what things you need to work on in your life to get where you really want to go.

Being here has been so fulfilling. I often wonder how I will ever be able to return home. Sure, there are a million materialistic reasons to return home. There's the hot showers. There's the endless list of delicious foods that can't be obtained here. There's the family vacations on extravagant cruise ships. There's the nights out on the town in Boston and the 9.00 Expresso desserts with my girl friends.

Then of course there are the non-materialistic things- knowing that I have an amazing group of people around me who love and support me. There's the sense of comfort and familiarity that I don't have here. There's the knowing that those around me know me and understand me, and I can always be myself- flaws and all. There's the relationships that I have spent years developing with friends that will always be there no matter what. These are things I have learned to cherish during my time here that I maybe never really thought about before.

However; despite all these things I am starting to wonder- how will I ever return? I came here to search for things that I'll never find when I go back to the States. I worry that my life will seem even LESS fulfilled now that I have had this experience. I wonder if I'll ever be able to pick up and leave. A part of my heart will always have to be left here. Will I be able to function and return to a state of normalcy with so much of my heart left in this country? Friends here will be wearing the wardrobe of clothes I leave behind. Wendy will be wearing the bracelet I brought back for her from the States for being such a good friend to me. My students will forever hold on to the notebooks of English vocabulary words I have taught them. The friendship bracelets I have given them will be kept in safekeeping I am sure. I'm starting to feel as though this is becoming my home. I am starting to realize that I have come to a point in my journey here where I am in fact thinking of the day I eventually will have to leave. Despite my weeks of seemingly never-ending illnesses recently and my longing to go home and take a hot shower and see a REAL doctor, the thought of actually leaving and not turning back breaks my heart. I am starting to think about how I am going to be able to do it, and where I will go on my next journey when I do actually leave here. Where will I go from here? Who will I be? What will I ever do in my life that will rival what I'm doing now? In a school setting, where will I EVER find the challenge that I've found here (both behaviorally and academically- BELIEVE ME- teaching ESL is HARD!) When will I ever be embraced by a different culture and people the way I have been here? Where will I ever find another opportunity in my career to feel as though I am being surrounded by people who I have set out to help, but are in reality helping ME in more ways than I'll ever help them? When will I ever be humbled in this way again?